Son 2

I got ma I-pod,
my new shoes,
ma hair cut,
ma phone...
(I snapped in two.)
My bus fair,
ma train ticket,
my superdry bag,
ma superdry coat...
Got ma cash,
got ma card
got ma love,
I love y'mum...

Bye, bye son...

RBT- why I love it

If you say, I read a book of the bible each month and then meet up with a group of ladies and drink tea and we all share our verses...it's a 'ding-dong' moment...it's tumble weed...it's my mum has curly hair and brushes her teeth...

And yet that is what I do! And I love it.
Nothing speaks to me like the bible, and so directly into my life...right into the moment, the bad mood, the confusion, frustration, upset...in fact the worse the mood, the better the RBT (but that might just be me). In any case I've been having a rough time one way or the other but today I was helped greatly by 1 Samuel 13: 19-21  
¹⁹ Not a blacksmith could be found in the whole land of Israel, because the Philistines had said, “Otherwise the Hebrews will make swords or spears!” ²⁰ So all Israel went down to the Philistines to have their plough points, mattocks, axes and sickles^[f] sharpened. ²¹ The price was two-thirds of a shekel^[g] for sharpening plow points and mattocks, and a third of a shekel^[h] for sharpening forks and axes and for repointing goads.
this is just some seemingly random verse about the Israelites not having blacksmiths because then they can't make weapons...and from this I'm like it's okay I have my place, I'm okay...it's not so bad,  I don't have to keep fighting.
How did I get that from that?

And that's why I love RBT...even though you know I get some 'special needs' looks.

As a single mother, maybe as a woman, you have no real weapons, when you fight you end up hurting yourself. But to not fight, especially if the past is complicated and the present is difficult you have to know you have your place... that your 'bundle' is in the 'bundle', praise God for the mercy he shows to women like me.

1 Samuel 17:37

So I have a wedding and my own pre 40th birthday party coming up...and no frock in the cupboard!!!!
Boo-hoo!
I also have hair with a mind to go hiking rather than partying.
Boo-hiss!
And no spare cash...
Mission Impossible?
Not for my God!

1. New 'Coast' dress...£11 charity shop
2. £5 haircut
3. new pink nail varnish on points from boots card.

total £16 which means hopefully I can still feed my kids.

And so to Mr. Cameron I say, you can take the party dress off the girl, but you can't stop the girl from having a party dress, because she will pray before she shops!

 'the Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.'

1 Samuel 25:29

'Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life,

the life of my lord will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the Lord your God.'


I've been battered and nearly battered a few times, because I'm quite mouthy, and very, opinionated! One time I was set upon in the middle of a dance floor by a gang of girls. And I thought I was doing okay at first. Then one girl got a hold of my hair, and twisted it around her grip, and in that twist, I knew I was going down.
Life feels like that. Like you are about to get battered.
Life is like that as a Christian too.
And the first thing I think when I'm getting battered is, I'm not going to Church! I get the 'how are you?' phobia...this is the fear that when someone asks you how you are, you will burst into tears. Or worse if some sweet old lady who has been a Christian since she was 5 says 'how are you?' you will say, 'I AM NOT OKAY, OKAY, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!'

It's the kind of panic you get, when you think you might be losing your mind, your fight, your life.

But this week I learnt what the second half of this verse means. You see, the life a Christian needs is Jesus, and the promise from God is that the life of Jesus will be bound securely in the bundle of the living, and that bundle is your church.

that's the livin' !

You know you've gone too far when your waking thoughts are;

I'm going to die,
I'm going to vomit,
how did I get here?

You have to deal with first thing first, bent double you make it to the bathroom...after the retching and sometime during the sweating and groaning you notice the porcelain of the toilet bowl feels kind on your forehead and listening to the dripping cistern you vow... never again.

You make it to the sofa...but you know you won't be there long...

Your best friend phones. She tells you what you feared in your stomach, the information that was somewhere deep in your alcohol drenched nervous system...
you full on snogged the dentist's ugly friend, and she has the pictures.

chick-o-land!

You know it's gone wrong, when you find yourself at the counter of Chick-o-land.
You started the evening with the very best of intentions, promises not to drink, promises to drink one, water one, promises to pretend to drink...you some how sank into dancing like a banshee, falling off the curb twice, and snogging a dentist, (with an ugly friend).
And now blinking beneath the strip light you are faced with a choice of cheese and chips, lamb donner and watery coleslaw or cheese burger (without the cheese because they've run out again).

...At this point you have told everyone you love them a million times, and you have started crying to go home. You are weeping uncontrollably for your blanky, your hot water bottle, your liver. No one is really listening because they too are crying.
It is then that you notice your shoe is broken or just missing and you have stepped on a shot glass, there is a concerning amount of blood gushing from the sole of your foot but the consensus seems to be you don't need A and E, this time.
You notice your reflection in the window, but you don't recognise yourself and start to frown, just before the man behind the counter taps your shoulder and asks you to leave because you are bleeding all over his floor.

And so the fun begins.
You don't take kindly to this harsh ruling and you are not going with out having your loud, insulting, drunken say...and neither are your mates. Finally as you are telling any one within hearing distance what you really think of chick-o-land, the police arrive.

They know you.
But they still ask to see your fake ID.
This is persecution of the first degree because everyone knows it isn't fake, it's just someone else's who doesn't actually look like you.

You don't want to get done for fraud, so you reluctantly agree to be escorted to a taxi.

The Shrinks

Lou Lou Belle got the shrinks,

a shocking case

of Dis-Ease.

It started in her brain

and worked down

to her feet.

The good doctor shook

his head and scratched

his bearded chin,

‘if you keep on shrinking

you will be invisible

soon my dear.’

Lou Lou Belle shook

her head and cried

a little tear,

imagine getting  the shrinks

so bad you almost

Dis-Appear.

Son

you are my tick-tock
my alarm clock
my heart-beat
alien species
in over-sized clothes
all rolled up.
you're my drop kick,
my high five,
my boxing match
with your limited
vocabulary
you're my tea-time
my drive home
son you're so handsome
to me.

"When will it end?"

She's talking about space...
the space she used to have
in her life, in her head
for herself...before
the baby.

Holiday with Dave

 I distinctly remember an awkward moment when the car was packed, the brothers were running wild, and my Dad was at the door, and my Mum was sitting in the kitchen...

"I'm not going...."

"You're not....going?"

You don't want to drive too far...and possibly, probably, almost certainly break down, get a flat or overheat, contract a reportable disease, see a gushing artery...end up in the burns unit?
And get rescued or not get rescued...
you don't want to get car sick because the boys wont sit still?...
And eat your cornflakes in a layby...

You don't want to get the gate key from smelly "bacon and old people" Mrs. Williams, after the pigs? And the dogs...and the geese?
At Pant Farm?

You don't want to walk more than you've walked in a year...just to get the milk?
You don't want to put the old tent up in a force gale wind and pray?
You don't want to wake up with the sheep, at dawn?

You don't want to hold your breathe while your kids climb rock faces and sometimes fall...you don't want to sit at the tent for ten hours while the mountain rescue look for your husband, who thought he  could swim the bay?

You don't want to climb the head land, jump the waves, jump from the cliff face into the sea?
You don't want to pick flowers.
Walk the lanes.
Talk for hours.
....

Play Scrabble and lose?

"Mum, what's wrong with you?"


.....

two husbands

1

I've never known you so charming,

sat in a green bucket chair

one eye narrow,

you have let the lilac trees take over.

I'm not living,
not quite dead,
yet, I've never known you charming!

We get on- beneath the lilacs,

the little one sleeping in the kayak.

In this picture, knees together, nodding

like a hyacinth, warming in the sun,

I secretly believe you are superior,

I still secretly believe you have won.

11

the very next frame,
the next shot,
the next breathe-
with nothing to hold me
nothing to stop
the fall
I free fall
plummet straight into hell.

(but the face wears its expression like an ill-judged outfit,)

I'm already there.

And hell is a thirsty place.

SIN. it's bad for your health!

did you ever feel funny about yourself...
like you don't know what you can do...
like you don't know what you will do...
did you ever feel funny about yourself?
did you ever feel like you don't belong?
did you ever feel that you'll never fit in?
did you ever feel funny about yourself?

Ever feel like you're always alone
And no one ever understands you?

Yer, that's sin...