At the Potter's house

When I first started out, my church Mum, said, 'you will be the type of Christian God wants you to be...' At the time, I was probably moaning, I didn't know really what she meant, I just thought it was a bit irritating.
Today, I woke up very early, due to a bit of help from my little one and I couldn't get back to sleep...usually this would cause me a bit of woe, and grumpiness, and 'poor me' ness,  but today I didn't mind.
Have I suddenly mutated into a saint?
No, I definitely haven't!
But there has been a fundamental change in me, I know this because even in my dreams, I am a Christian, even when I wake up at 4am, I am a Christian.
What is becoming clearer and clearer to me, is I'm not the person I thought I was.
The closest I can get to the person I am now is if I think of myself aged about eight. If I think of me then, there's a place I belong to, there's a certainty of who I am and when I forget the bravado, when I forget who I became...I kind of go to something like that.
It is at Church, I can practise being this person, when I clean, or cook, or talk to somebody I don't usually talk to, or attend weddings, or sing, or pray, or talk about the bible, or drink tea, or have seconds.
When you have been to bad places in your life, it is tempting to think you will go back, and sometimes there are terrifying reminders of the abyss, but today I think that although I know the abyss is there, and very close, today I think I want to choose to live with the door open, and that I want to live like Jesus says I can, without fear of going back. And although I don't know who he is going to turn me into, I think I would rather become the Christian he wants me to be!