Season's Greetings

We have just returned from Manceinion.

Normally I would have a hell filled journey to report; over-crowding, flooding, knocking down of cows etc. However I'm pleased to report both journeys were fine, with seat-age and on time! Amazing!

It's quite weird  to have nothing to moan about....

It's a little bit unnerving in a way! 

Suffice to say, I had a good trip and a wonderful visit and a lovely time seeing my family.

I also improved my darts playing skill, under the excellent tutorage of my Uncle Pete-( the secret being to aim for quarter to in 501 - though we play 301 because you don't want to be at it all night!- the reason being you got more chance of a higher score. Whole new world.)

But the best thing, for me by far- was laughing! And laughing so much I went to bed with that lovely- I've laughed so much I need to lie down feeling.

Probably some of the time I laughed where I probably shouldn't have, but you know if I'm having a New Year's resolution, it is going to be to laugh more.
And if that means spending more time with my family- then so be it.

What better instances of love happen outside of the kitchen, where two or three or more generations gather to laugh and cry?

And I thank God for Christmas, Easter, Summer- all our gatherings, as someone said when 'we get together with our family' and play games, and eat, and give presents- and show we love each other...

RBT - discover something beautiful about yourself

19 
When we read the bible together we share how God's living word has spoken to us and corrected and rebuked us. And there's usually like an element of groan- because it is horrible to discover yourself- and the bible can do that to you! 
And I had a right nasty rebuke from the minor profits. They'll do that, the profits. But I'm a brave soldier in Christ. And I take it because I know it's true, I know it's for the good of me and more importantly my children.

If you read Nahum chapter 3 you might see it too.

But you know what? Simultaneously someone shared a verse with me which made me see my good, my beauty, my specialness in Christ. 
Another truth- just as true! 

And that is the power of sharing the bible!

(The verse by the way, is 'you are not your own.')

Alfredo!

My friend, Alfie.

You wake up,

you say 'Is it today, already?'

What are you thinking?

I think I know that face...

though, you surprise me,

again,

and again!

Hiding in a locker at the gym,

eating chicken curry in the kitchen,

riding your bike,

brushing your teeth....

...enjoying a water fight ...

... Ahhh! Going to sleep!

You're so handsome,

and lovely.

I'm so glad

I've had all these times

and your smile

to wake me...

to play with me...

Thank you, Alfie.

 x

Dear x factor,

I've just seen bad in you....the way you try and get people to call you all the time, the way you make me cry...the way you work, work, work.
Yet- do I love you.
Dear x-factor,
not for Nicole's strange dancing- not for Sharon's return- or Gary's inadequacy - or ...endless dislike of Louis - or dreams dashed or realised.
No, you're just an outlet for my rampant critical spirit - that's all- that's all.

Let it rain!

Deuteronomy apparently is like the second law- but not like a new law- like telling you again ... telling you something you already know. Reiterating a truth, you have already been told.

That's the Gospel all over, because when...I don't know, say the cross, say a picture of Mary, say a picture of Saint Peter, a sunset- or rise,  or a Preacher, or the bible speaks to you - it's like you've heard it before- like you already know it.

I love Moses - he's exactly my type of guy.

He loves Jesus- he argues with God, he doubts- he doubts his ability! lol - he maybe should have surrendered that !! Perhaps - along with his opinions- but he didn't.

He can't because he's like,' God, no offense- but seriously what are you talking about ? How>? I am not equipped for this!'

Of course in the end Moses, don't see the promised land...you know because God chose him- but he's completely useless and clueless and potentially a bit sulky and doubtful, one time arguably slightly psychotic- definitely mainly angry - and anyway God said 'No'.

I reckon Moses must be in heaven, cos like, it's Moses innit?

Myself, I'm currently debating whether I can justify spending £20 on a pair of Cath Kidson kitchen scales...and slightly thrilled that someone asked me if I'd lost weight- and a bit concerned that Alfie will make breakfast club and not be too revolting after school.

Thank God for work, I say- Hallelujah x 

Deuteronomy 1:8 See, I have given you this land.Go in and take possession of the land the Lord swore he would give to your fathers—to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob—and to their descendants after them.” 9 At that time I said to you, “You are too heavy a burden for me to carry alone. 10 The Lord your God has increased your numbers so that today you are as numerous as the stars in the sky. 11 May the Lord, the God of your ancestors, increase you a thousand times and bless you as he has promised!12 But how can I bear your problems and your burdens and your disputes all by myself? 13 Choose some wise, understanding and respected men from each of your tribes, and I will set them over you.”

Gap years

  Me and the little one wake the big one up by jumping on his head and telling him it's nearly time for swimming. I don't believe in letting teenagers sleep. And this is more fun than hoovering under his bed.
  The little one is top at swimming lessons, and sadly beyond bottom at football classes. He saved three of his own teams goals.
  The big one has returned from Reading with two love bites, a black eye and a nasty reaction to a wasp sting. He also has a red beard and seems to have forgotten how to use cutlery and crockery. In an effort to stop him irritating me so much, I give him lots of jobs.
  this morning, before he's lifted his head off the pillow I tell him, 'I dreamed you disappeared and came back a heroine addict. And I was planning to chain you to the bed and put you in nappies and lock all the doors.'
  At breakfast I ask the little one if he wants an egg. 'No, no thank you, I'm all good thanks.' I ask the big one if he likes our breakfast table...and then I say 'if you want to do outdoor pursuits, you should go to Australia.' And then immediately wish I could bite my own tongue off.
  At swimming lesson I meet a friend, I tell her about my dream about the big one, in the general angst of the 'our teenage boys' conversation, I accidentally tell her that the big one has only ever bought one book,' fifty shades of grey', 'and he didn't even read that,' I gasp. The big one kicks the back of my chair.
  In the car on the way to church we make a detour to Tesco, 'Why are we here?' chirps the little one- I can feel him wondering if he's been 'sooooo good'....it's my fault the little one thinks we only go to the shops to buy him things for being good.
  'I'm taking a swimming costume back.'
  'Why?'
  'Because it doesn't fit me...'
  'But I didn't see it...'
  I take the swimming costume back and buy the boys some choc chip muffins, I buy some mineral water for myself, at the till I vow I will not eat a muffin, not a crumb, I won't even sniff them.
  The big one eats three muffins and then says 'don't tell everyone you think I'm an intravenous drug user, please.' The little one says, 'you can tell everyone I scored a goal.'
  At church the little one prays in the pew, 'thank you Jesus, you help us at football and swimming and all this very nice day. Aaaamen.'
  At communion the little one is shouting for his brother to wave at him, the big one is slumped in the pew of woe. I think I should stop showing him up- it really shouldn't amuse me so much...I've got detachment issues, I've got abandonment issues, and I've got hunger issues, and now I've got Australia issues.
 After saying grace the little one eats homemade chicken soup, with bits, and announces, 'you can make this everyday- it's great.' Before he devours seconds and thirds, 'I love you so much- you're a great cook mom!'
 The big one wipes his beard with an element of satisfaction before googling 'outdoor pursuits- Gap years in Australia.'
 I help the big one fill in his application form and he says he loved the morning sermon...he says he may have prayed. Kind of.  Despite a thirteen year gap - my boys both seem to have hit on a corner turning age - simultaneously- I wonder if I should cry or do the ironing...probably do the ironing first.
when I wave him off all I can think is,

 'Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.'

I look at the little one, 'Come on slow coach last one to the car is a 'stinky Elis.'

perseverance...

What I learnt this month is the way I think of words like perseverance, suffering...trails in a worldly way. So when I read the first line of James, I'm like,
 'O!No! Not perseverance....not suffering...not joy in suffering...not that, anything but that.'

However I just learned some theological terms, for example the definition of perseverance is 'to continue in a state of GRACE until the end'- quite helpful. And also I learnt something about suffering too, you can suffer for good and be blessed...with suffering it's tough, because much of it is arbitrary- but not all of it- so I'm still counting it as helpful and at lot less gag making!

I also learnt , I've been given loads of perseverance, like seriously loads!

Good Girl

So I'm 41 years of age- and I've never been on a diet- until now- the reason being I just bought a pair of jeans- size 14- by my reckoning by July next year, if I carry on in the same vane - I will be size 16.... and so forth! I have never gained weight- I tried to gain weight once- it was very hard and I had to eat a lot of calories....and it took ages.

In reverse, I know I'm in for the long haul.

What surprises me most is how many calories there are in seemingly innocuous foods... like a slice of ham for example?! Or a Marks and Spencer's salad?

I have distinct advantages to my diet- 1. I cook 2.- I will eat celery soup 3. - I wont eat 4. I have a five year old.
I have distinct disadvantages to my diet- 1. I am miserable ".2. I like bread. 3. And butter. 4. I believe I'd rather be dead than live without them.

However in the interest of my bottom not taking over the world - I have consumed less than= 1,000 calories per day for two days.
 The only way you can reduce your calories - is by eating vegetables - true fact and mainly soup- you can't have puddings, toast . sweets or cakes, you can't have dairy.....or olives...or bread or butter- because if you have them you will be starving -

But my big tip is- you can drink lots of water- with lemon, with cucumber, mint , lime etc ...don't say I never give you nowt!

Also every activity you undergo is a calories eating activity- go up the stairs, 'fatty'- play in the kids area, 'fatty'- run up the stairs-' fatty'- eat your veggies- 'fatty'-

#I always thought it was miserable but actually dieting is quite fun, I'm going for it
all my love
 fat girl x

Summer, Alfie and Me

This is our third week together and it's kind of historic.

Certainly in my kids' lifetimes I can't think when we've had our sunny days interrupted by only a few rainy days.
I know I'm annoying everyone born into other decades when I keep saying- 'It's like the olden days.'

But I love it!-

In actual fact it's not like the olden days...it's not warm enough- you can still perceive a weird nip in the air, my brain is confused-(again) It's saying, 'Detroit is bankrupt, global warming, space race, cold war'...
but I don't look quite as confused as the green tomatoes...

It  is also historic because I realised, whilst trapped in the disabled toilet at the library today, that aside from a near nasty episode during Smurfs 2 yesterday, me and Alfie - are getting on.
Famously.

I decided Alfie needs to swim because he's fearless and thinks he can ( he also believes he can run much faster than cars...) So in the interest of my blood pressure, I took him for his first swimming lesson on Sunday.
We were late and I heard his name shouted out a few times and they used those new- fangled tubular floats and after half an hour he got dry and then punched me in the eye,and  then we had a row...and drove home...

So obviously yesterday I took him swimming-
'Show me what you learnt in your swimming lesson..'
Now what I'm learning about Alfie is, you have got to wait for him to come round...(and sometimes he doesn't...)
After half an hour of trying to climb things he shouldn't and torturing a four year old boy, and his Grandmother, Alfie asked to go in the big pool. 'Okay, but you'll have to swim because you won't be able to touch the bottom...' ( and he has refused to bring arm bands...arm bands are for people who can't swim.)

Anyway so we go into the big pool, and something kicks-in behind his eyes, I see it, and he's beaming.
'I'm floating, I'm swimming...look I can do this.'
'That's treading water.' I say, feeling lame, feeling historic.
He does it on his back, he does it on his front, he does doggy paddle, he does surface dives, swimming under water, breast stroke and then he treads water.

I've never seen anything like it.
I think I kind of remember being like that...but with something else behind my eyes.

What I like about Alfie is, I know now what happens behind his eyes.
Man, he's historic!

the word of truth

I've been looking for something to cheer me up. There's no point in telling a depressive mind to think happy thoughts.
I think that's maybe one reason why the bible is good for depressives. Because it's kind of not necessarily that happy. You know even though I think I'm a Christian, if I'm in a dark place...Christianity is as annoying to me as it is to everyone else. I have a keyring that says 'Jesus loves you,' and if I'm sad that statement of true fact can be a major encouragement - but if I'm depressed, I could just as easily throw it out of the window.

So I was wondering what is the difference between depression and sadness. Then I read James and the first bit blew me away.

At the center of my worries and anxieties, is pride and at the bottom of my depression is doubt.

James 1: 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

the countenance divine

what a week for convictions!!

vanity is vacuous 2 kings 9:30 When Jezebel heard about it, she put on eye makeup, arranged her hair and looked out of a window. , but jealousy kills! Proverbs 27:4 Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?-   you really want that mother to go! away!
but then I had a vile conviction...that I wanted to stay...I need it, Lord!- I was shocked by the conviction, but I was blown away by the desire to keep the sin, I need it...I can't get through without it...I don't understand...why you have to take it...that's how I get through...
Jesus says "I am the way, the truth and the light" you can surrender the sin.
So I did...And it is the Holy Spirit who convicts...and it is Jesus who sets you free and gives you a new day.

Proverbs 8:30-32

New International Version (NIV)

30     Then I was constantly[a] at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
    rejoicing always in his presence,
31 rejoicing in his whole world
    and delighting in mankind.

32 “Now then, my children, listen to me;
    blessed are those who keep my ways.

acts

we're reading acts and it's wild...I mean actually crazy- an angel let's them out of prison, they're healing people in the streets, people are going wild, they're getting arrested for disturbing the peace- all sorts of stuff is going down...people are going nuts for the hope of Jesus.
and then they're organising - amidst the chaos! lol! And it's quite funny to think of men trying to organise God's chaos, isn't it?
acts is exciting- risky - strange and unworldly.
two things happened to me this week
1 it rained!
2 I was convicted of spiritual death
spiritual death is happening all the time- but there are no RIP facebook pages to it!
in fact spiritual death is rather despised- and despicable...human beings actually naturally deplore it- are repelled by it - can't, in short, stand it.
what happens when you are spiritually dead - is you cease to learn! and that takes you ages to figure out...because...you have ceased to learn.
meanwhile back at the ranch ...
you're organised...
at the end of the day, the holy spirit..has got a voice and he's speaking clearly...
y'all got to get over it.

bring him home (a prayer)

Valjean
God on highHear my prayerIn my needYou have always been thereHe is youngHe's afraidLet him restHeaven blessed.Bring him homeBring him homeBring him home.He's like the son I might have knownIf God had granted me a son.The summers dieOne by oneHow soon they flyOn and onAnd I am oldAnd will be gone.Bring him peaceBring him joyHe is youngHe is only a boyYou can takeYou can giveLet him beLet him liveIf I dieLet me dieLet him liveBring him homeBring him homeBring him home.

...we are the champions...

How happy your people must be...said the Queen of Sheba....

10 When the queen of Sheba heard about the fame of Solomon and his relationship to the Lord, she came to test Solomon with hard questions. ² Arriving at Jerusalem with a very great caravan—with camels carrying spices, large quantities of gold, and precious stones—she came to Solomon and talked with him about all that she had on her mind. ³ Solomon answered all her questions; nothing was too hard for the king to explain to her. ⁴ When the queen of Sheba saw all the wisdom of Solomon and the palace he had built, ⁵ the food on his table, the seating of his officials, the attending servants in their robes, his cupbearers, and the burnt offerings he made at^[a] the temple of the Lord, she was overwhelmed.

⁶ She said to the king, “The report I heard in my own country about your achievements and your wisdom is true. ⁷ But I did not believe these things until I came and saw with my own eyes. Indeed, not even half was told me; in wisdom and wealth you have far exceeded the report I heard. ⁸ How happy your people must be! How happy your officials, who continually stand before you and hear your wisdom! ⁹ Praise be to the Lord your God, who has delighted in you and placed you on the throne of Israel. Because of the Lord’s eternal love for Israel, he has made you king to maintain justice and righteousness.”

Ding-Dong...

Mrs Thatcher's death isn't a dancing in the street moment for me. I'm not pleased that a Grandmother/mother/old lady has died...but I do feel a sense of catharsis.
I was seven when Mrs Thatcher was voted in as the first female prime minister and I didn't have time to make up a view on that before my mother jumped up and pulled the plug off the television with the declaration that "that was fuckin' that...then!" I remember my Mum crying when John Lennon got shot, when the Pope got shot and when "that woman" became prime minister...my parents were always shouting at inanimate objects, televisions...radios...kettles...
I remember we quite liked the strikes, me and my brother, because we had candles then- candles are so exciting when you don't pay bills, but I've always thought when there's nothing- absolutely nothing- that's when things get interesting.
We didn't get our own political ideas until much later...if at all...like liking Boris Johnson, because he bullied David 'fat face' Cameron. But was I glad to see the death of the crippling sexism of the seventies- an era where it was okay to grope women and children? Was it sexist? Was it humiliating? Was it unjust??
We couldn't hark back to the shop floor politics we'd never known...and Tony Blair was quite visibly creepy, Gordon Brown...unhinged...
But neither I'm sure, could we forget the mounted police charging the miners, the hungry miners, the miners we sent food parcels to- that felt like civil war then - that's why people are upset, you know because she did that. Or the women at Greenham Common, or the butt-kissing of Ronald.... Regean ....Bush...not one Bush butt kisser...but two times a Bush butt kisser...
Oh, for a red Maggie????
But after all, by the time it came to the poll tax it was a joke, we all went to court for non payment of poll tax, just to cost them money- we refused to pay because as the Judge in my case said - "this is ridiculous..." So many mistakes were made!
Was it politics?
I'm not sure any more, I rather think my generation is as dead to politics as it is to everything else.

It is so nice to have a wicked witch to hate- it is great to miss the good old dark old days.
Myself, I've only just recently let myself wear blue. Would I ever vote Conservative? It's not in my make-up!

Mrs Thatcher's death feels like the end of an era. ... and somehow all ends are good, and if you feel that, you won't want to gloat, or sulk...(sulkery destroys more than one politician ever could).

Just like when you know for sure that a bad love affair is finally over, you've changed, you don't want it any more,  your  'inner' witch is dead- finally-  it's over...-thank God- it's over.

James1:²² Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.

free for what? - free to serve.

Hebrews 11:15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return.

Hebrew 9:14 How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death,[c] so that we may serve the living God!

Hebrews 9:22... without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.

Hebrews 8:2 2 We do have such a high priest, who sat down at the right hand of the throne of the Majesty in heaven, and who serves in the sanctuary, the true tabernacle set up by the Lord, not by a mere human being.

Hebrews...

Oh, the heavy heart of conviction!! Lol, conviction hurts doesn't it- truth hurts that's the saying lol truth convicts...oh how far we will go in the shadows to avoid the truth.
The major-manipulator knows there is some truth in lies...the Christian knows there's no lies in truth, Jesus is Truth 'it is impossible for God to lie' Hebrews 6:18.
'Church is a coping mechanism, just like drugs and drink.'
'But do drugs and drink love you back?'
Of course not.
Hebrews 3- he could finish it with O Christian lol, because it's addressed to Christians...the example is Christians- it's all about Christians...

7 So, as the Holy Spirit says:

“Today, if you hear his voice,
8     do not harden your hearts
as you did in the rebellion,
    during the time of testing in the wilderness,
9 where your ancestors tested and tried me,
    though for forty years they saw what I did.
10 That is why I was angry with that generation;
    I said, ‘Their hearts are always going astray,
    and they have not known my ways.’
11 So I declared on oath in my anger,
    ‘They shall never enter my rest.’ ”[b]
12 See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. 13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. 14 We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end. 15 As has just been said:

“Today, if you hear his voice,
    do not harden your hearts
    as you did in the rebellion.”

Keep your eyes on Jesus...and grow up! Move up...move on...old skulker you...today is the day of Salvation...pathetic! When I'm out from the weight of Hebrews, Lord, I know I will be changed x

Faith in action....

I must have read this chapter before! Hebrews was the book I started RBT with....that's the trouble with reading the bible- in the end you are just painfully aware that you are thick...and crap! lol then again that's what's amazing about the bible. So Hebrews is all about 'growing up' as a Christian...growing up as a Christian sort of means you know what you believe...you say what you believe...now put your money where your mouth is!!
Christians pray... do you know that? You may know a Christian, and they may be praying for you, they may be begging for mercy, they may be pleading for forgiveness of sins, they may be asking Jesus to do miracles in your life...or you may know a Christian and they are not praying I suppose. Or at least not for you! lol

Ask a Chrstian if they are praying for you today x O! and read Hebrews 11 !!!

Hebrews 11:13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

Job 2:9 His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!”

I don't really understand why studying the bible makes me religious?
I was reading Job, hoping to find the bit where he goes off his head...rails at his fate...berates man and God...I thought at least I'd find a bit of circular thought, a bit of head hate seepage.. but instead I got a wonderful, wonderful piece of helpful information that may, dare I say it....have changed my life, but has definitely changed my mind.
See when I was a kid, there were two games I was really, really good at; 'submit'- because I never would and my brothers were ingenious torturers and 'mercy'- because I always knew if I survived the pain, I could inflict more.
...mmm as an adult I have had to be strong and 'feisty' and a fighter, but recently I have been aware that these 'qualities' can cause me some discomfort and confusion and I couldn't understand why.
Until Job.
When I first came across the word integrity in a proverbs study, I was like, 'I'm pretty sure I don't have that...er what actually is it?'
When we read Ezekiel, I became convinced 'integrity' is when we know what to do.
When we read John, I wondered if it's possible to have 'integrity' without faith?
And after reading Job, I realise, that I must not lose my 'integrity' even under pressure, even in pain...even when everything is shit.
It's the ability to keep our 'integrity' that makes it possible to meet the crisis of our lives, loosing partners, homes and finally our own death...'integrity' makes it possible to die.


Job 27:4-6
New International Version (NIV)
4 my lips will not say anything wicked,
    and my tongue will not utter lies.
5 I will never admit you are in the right;
    till I die, I will not deny my integrity.
6 I will maintain my innocence and never let go of it;
    my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live.

I think for me to stop agonising and berating and questioning and over thinking at moments of crisis  will assure me much peace, much freedom from bad conscience and discomfort of confusion  I think it will help me enormously and it will give me confidence in tackling my problems...it may even make me more feisty...but religious? I don't know about that x

1 John 2:21

8 Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”

9 “Does Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. 10 “Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. 11 But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”

12 The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.”

Wow! Look at the confidence God has in Job's faith, his strength, his love....

Look at it!

If you're suffering, I don't know anything so amazing as ' Jesus put you here...' even though it may drive you crazy...loopy! And you may swear...

But imagine that...God knows you got a strength, you don't know...and he got faith in your strength, your love and your faith...and no one else has...

Les miserables....

Jean Valjean!!! Hugh Jackman!!!!The man who is shown mercy, and learns to give it back, and asks, and asks again for mercy, for grace...for God's glory! WOW! Who knew? The man who prays...and prays despite himself and not for himself!
Sasha Barren Cohen and Helena Bohnam Carter going to town smelling the money.
There's a wonderful moment on the barricade when the young leader asks the boys to keep the faith, because that's all they've got...and they roll their eyes...then they are slaughtered.
O! And Fantine!...Fantine! Raped by life...losing her child, her position, her hair, her teeth but not her dream not that something...her something that doesn't belong to the world, something the world can never, never have, never, never take! Her soul.
And love is the garden of youth...and what's a bit of rain...Ah!
O! we wept...we applauded...we should have applauded more, much more...much!
And you know it's true, Russell Crowe, can't sing, can't act and sing... you know it...but what ever I don't care. I'm over it. Totally!

God geek!

I have discovered how to download sermons on my phone and listen to them on the bus, in the staff room and at the shops...with my ear-phones in! Now I'm not an ear-phone generation...I'm a head-phone generation. But I'm going to big up the ear-phone for this usage for a number of reasons. The first being I preserve my cool and groovy image whilst secretly and silently remaining a God geek! Plus where as my journey and my breaks are too short to get stuck in with reading they are perfect for sermons.

So I don't know what I learnt specifically today...yet... but I do know what I avoided! !

It is very easy to get negative during your day...I specifically find the day Alfie goes to his dad very difficult... mainly because my top 5 thoughts on this day are usually

1. I hate you

2. I hope terrible things happen to you

3. You bastard!

4. You are pathetic and useless

5. Remember what you did to me....

And generally your thoughts will effect your mood, and after a day like that I'm usually what I describe as homicidal/suicidal...and very upset and confused.

Today what struck me was how many times my mind tried to have those thoughts but once plugged in how I left them..how I pondered other issues...how those sermons pulled my thoughts to other thoughts...how I sat on the bus and thought about what joyful meant? How I smiled at the thought of being overjoyed ...how I thought about you can't have the dark with the light.

Now I'm home and the verse that I can remember most was read at the candlelit service, 

Luke 2:19 But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 

John

Imagine you were a part of the love of the Holy Trinity...or Jesus walked into your kitchen...or you  got to know yourself and take responsibility....perhaps you even stopped looking for something else...imagine someone loves you so much they prayed for you more than 2000 years ago, someone who weeps when you do...defends you...gives you a second chance...over, and over and over again...Someone who loves you IDT; who loves you infinity! Imagine that.