52 reasons to give up the internet

1.Whoever created a world where nothing can be accomplished unless you can remember your login details, was not my type of person.
2. Emails are insufficient and often require a text, call, message...meeting, memo....bla bla.
3. Social media often incite feelings of rage, envy and murder.
4. I have an address.
5. I have a phone number.
6. I have a face.
7. I have a life.
8. My garden needs me.
9. My children need me.
10. My cleaning needs me.
11. My six year old child has banned mobile telephones from the television room, "no phones allowed."
12. Constant phone use only exercises your thumbs.
13. It is anti-social to use your phone; at the dinner table,
14. at family gatherings,
15. on holiday,
16. in the cinema,
17. whilst you're supposed to be having coffee with your friend.
18. It is wrong to use your phone in the bathroom, there are no exceptions.
19. Excessive internet use before bed is bad for sleep.
20. Excessive internet use makes you lazy.
21. It is not a good thing that you can wake up in the middle of the night and buy something useless.
22. Internet shopping is bad.
23.The world is happier to be peopled by the people, for the people, doing people stuff for the people.
24. Real things happen in real time, with real attention and real feelings.
25. Beeps are annoying.
26. Clicks are annoying.
27. Anything you have to check first thing and then periodically throughout the day until bed is an idol and is         potentially sucking the life out of you.
28. Libraries are closing.
29. Books are good.
30. I don't care what celebrities do.
31. Celebrities don't care what I do.
32. I will never pay a monthly payment to communicate...again.
33. I am free.
34. I am a citizen of the world.
35. I am a peace loving, people loving person.
36. I can use the internet for free at my lovely library for as long as I have one.
37. I can go to an internet cafe if I wish.
38. I can use the internet for work at work.
39. In my free time, I can be present.
40. I can use my internet time to; be creative,
41. do my garden,
42. cook,
43. bake,
44. make others happy,
45. go for bike rides.
46. Read.
47. Pray.
48. I can use the money I spend on this unnecessary 'commodity' for other things.
49. It pleases me.
50. It feels right.
51. I love libraries.
52. I cannot un-see.

Gifted, free, single.

Recently, God is speaking in triplicate, like Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " -   three times in one day from three totally unrelated situations and people.
And I'm a bit worried it's because I'm thick.

You know like kids when they have to do the same thing three times and each time your like why aren't they getting it and you're on the brink of sending them to see a specialist when they either get it, forget it or leave home.

I've been kid free for two weeks this holiday- Yes, two whole weeks. I feel, I've seen into the future and the future is bright! The future is comprised of a nice life for me doing loads of stuff I didn't think was cool before but I do now...like cycling, swimming, gardening and reading, watching my films, listening to my radio...cooking my food. 

The future is not endless rounds of washing up; dishes, clothes, nor cadgoling boys who don't want to be clean but mysteriously still don't smell, it's not running late, it's not running around, it's not a calendar with everyone's appointments on it; colour coded, circled, ticked, crossed or starred.

It's only really when you stop, you realise you are alone.

I tried to insert a companion into my future in the form of a dog a little fluffy one, ' not a proper dog ' my friend laments as if I have somehow failed already, another friend projecting her desire for a sausage dog... a guinea pig, a cat, a hamster...But I just keep thinking about the poo. I like the idea of my future being poo -picking up -free.

My future is free of lots of things.

My future is free.

Now, what you should have noticed is there's a whole lot of me, my and mine in this fantasy future...because after the third Jeremiah, I stopped trying to work out how old Alfie would be before he could do a lane swim before breakfast club, I ceased to calculate the age he could have a door key or how old he would be when he could cycle on roads, when he could drive...

I began to marvel at my free. I began to cry at my plans, my future, my hopes, my choices!
I was thinking about my future? I had future?
This stuff - I do not do, that I am doing...
that I didn't plan.

God is faithful and one million percent true to his promises and can be trusted one thousand percent because He has plans for you.

That's taken me so long to get that verse, this long! And this is why I'm a bit concerned that I'm thick. 

Unfortunately the triplicate thing happened again today, when Will told me his favourite share from Matthew was when Judas met Jesus after he had betrayed him, and Jesus greeted him as - "friend" ...this is like "why not rather be wronged " it's like "love your enemies" ... I didn't tell Will I'd been dreaming of murder - I cried instead ! But I also finally faced the fact, that is fact...if I have been hurt, if I get hurt, when I'm hurt - I've got to remember, " my Redeemer lives." Because the damage I do to try to hurt as much as I have been hurt, far, far exceeds the hurt.

So much to learn about yourself when you are a Christian, it's a long road, it's a great road.

And it's free.

I'm leaving you with a verse from Isaiah, my book of the moment! It's a kind of triplicate verse, first time I heard it I wept, then I quoted it a lot, now I depend on it x

Isaiah 54:5 For your Maker is your husband—

    the Lord Almighty is his name—

Singles

All the way through the bible, starting with Moses people are having their lives shaped in ways they never expected, didn't feel equipped for, and didn't really want - didn't choose. Moses didn't choose his life as Prince of Egypt to be overturned; to loose his home, his wealth, his status, his job, his ideas, his beliefs. He didn't choose.
So anyway, Matthew tax collector, disciple, he didn't choose.
Paul, the apostle, writer, builder of churches; he didn't choose.
Mary, Elizabeth, Martha, Ruth ...they didn't choose.
And I didn't choose.
And if I had, it wouldn't be as good as this.
I like wearing the trousers in my life, I always have. Now I wear them with, I think, aplomb.
I'm not the last in the rounders queue, because I'm not in a queue. I'm not playing that game because I've been taken out, set aside, I'm required for other things.
It's a relief to me because I don't like speaking after eight o'clock - I'm not into sharing, much. And I don't like washing socks x

Here's my prayer,
Dear Lord of our lives, please show us your way for us and let us rejoice in that,
Amen.

Revelation RBT

 9 I know your afflictions and your poverty—yet you are rich!"

Endure, overcome, victorious, faithful, white, blood, light, I will...I am coming, these are the words of Jesus to his church in the book of Revelation.

Jesus makes it absolutely clear that he knows all about us, what we think, what we do, how we feel, what we suffer.

What I have learnt from this RBT is that Revelation is not a weird book it's like pure Gospel, 'eternal Gospel' it's like Jesus distilled and poured out like the tears he is going to wipe away.  

I think the fact that He knows our suffering is such a massive comfort, that he asks us to overcome, to wait, to see God's perspective is a massive encouragement. All too easily will I give up, especially if I'm blinded by the discomfort of misery or loneliness or illness or fear or grief...or pride, or envy, or...well, it just goes on and on and on.

Unless I take the sinner's place, unless I'm grateful and I'm looking for Jesus, everywhere...only then can I understand there is a vision which is greater than anything I will ever suffer, more massive than my imagination, more important than anything I could ever do; only then is the fact of his knowing my afflictions so comforting, so astonishing, so mind-blowingly great.

This is God who made time, he's the beginning and the end, he's the morning star, he's the light of the world and he's the word of God and He has taken the time to talk to me and to know me...

I do feel at this point a little bit like Eliza Dolittle, 'I think she's GOT IT!'

'Be faithful,even to the point of death, and I will give you life as your victor’s crown.'

On becoming a person

The worst thing about going away is watching Sky news. The best thing about going away is perspective. Like my largest irritation before I went on holiday was pouting. I told myself if I saw one more girl/child/woman pout I would actually vomit.
So please smile x
We have so much to smile about.
The thing about gratitude is we've forgotten about it. And that's bad because if you're an ingrate nothing ever lives up to expectation. The sea is too cold. The hotel was okay but you had a few niggles with the linen. The weather was fine but windy. The flight was not disastrous but there was no leg room and too many 'whooping' children. The trains were not air-conditioned and there was only one window...
And so it goes on and on and on and on.
That's like honest ingratitude. There is sneaky ingratitude too- like where you say you're really grateful but you actually can't stand these people, this place or even yourself right now.
Deep ingrates being deeply unhappy people.
The thing about gratitude is you've just got to do it. Christianity teaches you not to trust your first thoughts but it is truly horrific to analyse how many of your first thoughts are ungrateful. The other thing is then training your thoughts to be grateful. Ignoring your first thought and replacing it with a grateful thought.
Though this from a women who get's her child to say grace, it's still not second nature to me but it's first to him- whatever the circumstances, whoever cooks the meal, whoever sits at the table, a crystal voice,
'Thank you dear Jesus for this food, thank you for this day, in your precious name we pray. Amen.'
You can't be grateful truly without taking the sinner's place. You can't truly feel the joy of gratitude without believing you belong in hell. You can't get gratitude till you do it.
The single most striking fact that I have learnt this holiday is that when it comes, we will have to be grateful for our death. We will have to be grateful for our life if we are going to be grateful for our death. I think it takes quite a lot of practice to be grateful.
I would like to suggest I am grateful for my holiday. For my journey. I am grateful for my fabulous parents. I'm grateful for my charming, joyous, erratic, loyal and grateful travel companion.
And more, so much more, I'm grateful for my freedom.
My passport. My currency. My poppies. My home. My job. My face (that someone has missed!).
My toilet.
So it is with trepidation and sorrows my prayers go out for Mr Farage, Charlize Theron, Sohan Lal, Daniel Wani and Meriam Ibrahim.

Lamentations 3

I am the man who has seen affliction
    by the rod of the Lord’s wrath.
2 He has driven me away and made me walk
    in darkness rather than light;
3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
    again and again, all day long.

4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
    and has broken my bones.
5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
    with bitterness and hardship.
6 He has made me dwell in darkness
    like those long dead.

7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
    he has weighed me down with chains.
8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
    he shuts out my prayer.
9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
    he has made my paths crooked.

10 Like a bear lying in wait,
    like a lion in hiding,
11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
    and left me without help.
12 He drew his bow
    and made me the target for his arrows.

13 He pierced my heart
    with arrows from his quiver.
14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
    they mock me in song all day long.
15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
    and given me gall to drink.

16 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
    he has trampled me in the dust.
17 I have been deprived of peace;
    I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 So I say, “My splendor is gone
    and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

Hospitality week- or my rubbish-ness knows no bounds

We were very excited to participate in hospitality week because we got to go for tea at other people's houses and also because we were hosting ourselves. So we got our lists of hosts and guests on Sunday and it all looked fool proof.
Except there is something about me and paper- we just sort of do not get along an example of this would be whilst emptying my washing machine just I found a wet tissue, a not unimportant receipt and a fiver. The fiver is on the line drying out. You may wonder how I get along at work and the simple answer is A4 lever arch files and poly-pockets however at home shall we say my randomness has free reign.
So it was of  no surprise then that having remembered the list we didn't make the first evening of hospitality at all but rather we spent it in the car looking for the home of our host of course.
Now there is incompetence I grant you, but there is also conspiracy to create incompetence which is when you think you can wing it but everything conspires against you to produce a fail. So when my phone battery died making it impossible to know more than I was just three sweet miles away from my destination I was not perturbed I merely asked for directions. I did this six times to six charming if clueless individuals before realising by the clock that food was over if not Psalms too and really in order to get out of the car we would need to return home. Which we did, and I was the unpopular person in the car with no real satisfactory answers as to why we hadn't made it.
On Tuesday we were on firmer territory having just to make it to Mount. Even I know the way to Mount!
On Wednesday it was our turn to host and I had everything sussed. Having chosen the simplest  menu possible (sausage dogs followed by marshmallows) I was totally only worried about seating everybody. The solution to my seating arrangements presented itself in the form of garden furniture.
 So I was quite surprised to find myself at 6.10 panicking and praying for my sausages to cook. I started to wonder whether the open back door (beautiful weather we're having) was effecting the efficiency of my oven. So my guests started to arrive to my by now super hot-house and my sausages still weren't cooked. I briefly considered marshmallow dogs...and opened a packet of tortillas.
Finally the sausages were looking safe and I managed to serve the first tray and glare at the second. And I was just starting to feel a bit better when there was an unnaturally loud cracking sound followed by three of my guests finding themselves in a certain amount of disarray and not too little shock in a heap on the floor because the garden furniture had...collapsed.
After we had consoled everyone with a marshmallow it was time for Psalms and I think we were grateful for that and even glad to be sat on the floor. Our psalms seemed to echo our plight and teach us about our very special privilege of praise and thankfulness.  As indeed we were when we hugged our goodbyes and I easily shook off my visions of everyone half starved, racing to Cwmdu drive-thro (after all ingratitude before pride). And I was grateful, sorry but grateful when I opened the oven door to discover the second tray of perfectly cooked sausages.
The third day of hospitality was perfect of course. I knew where we were going, I wasn't cooking and I had a seat which held up. And how the Psalms spoke of our lives changed beyond our recognition, beyond our imaginings and we could almost see his love encircling us as we sat in our circle.
Of course today is the last of our hospitality meetings (for now), I'm kind of excited because I don't know the way, though my phone is fully charged, and I have double-booked myself because I forgot and although I had a memory of my list being somewhere near the washing up by the sink- it seems to have disappeared so....
to be continued....?

Psalm 130:6

I wait for the Lord 

more than watchmen wait for the morning, 

more than watchmen wait for the morning.

When I'm all cried out and I can't pray any more. When I can't sleep for the thoughts of agony. When each waking thought is pulled to my heart breaking over and over and I know there is nothing, nothing I can do, that's when I can join in and sing Jesus' song.

Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;

Lord hear my voice.

Who had faith for me when I had none? 

Who saw for me when I was blind? 

Who hoped for me when all hope was gone?

Never write-off a write off.

Good, I'm all cried out.
Good, I'm dry bones.
Yet my God may fill me up.

Here come the girls...1 Timothy

1Timothy 2:11 A woman[a] should learn in quietness and full submission. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man;[b] she must be quiet. 13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve. 14 And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. 15 But women[c] will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.

I'm reading 1 Timothy for RBT- again. 

Again- but different. 

For example how could a woman learn apart from in quietness and full submission?
Otherwise it would be a bit like trying to teach a tigress after taking her young.
I don't know what other conditions I am able to learn in...
I need to be quiet, I need to submit to the teaching, the learning- otherwise I'm just going to be making wet-paper pea-shooters at the back whilst pushing quiet people off their chairs...I already have a whole school career,the majority of which took place outside the class room in the corridor or stood up at my desk, to prove this point. Should I ever need further reminding, there's always training days where I happily revert to the worst pupil in the room.

I am reading 1 Timothy in the light of my own church experience where I am invited to share and express myself so much that I often find, I have not much to say-
I do not feel marginalised or left out.
I do feel loved, protected, enjoyed...cherished...valued.

Okay,now myself I have to ask has ever trying to teach a man ever worked? 

Ever?

Never by telling a man the entire contents of my head have I ever, ever had any success what so ever.  In fact my own principle has long been to save my jaw muscles and rather adopting the principle of 'show don't tell.' 
If you don't learn that after three brothers and two sons, there's probably no hope.

Then we get to Eve, in the garden everything is great, everything is amazing and perfect and then Eve...inexplicably listens to the devil, and I don't know any woman I've ever met who couldn't relate to that.

Similarly I don't know any woman without sin.

I do however know loads of women, myself included who have been saved through child rearing, whose babies and children have brought out a strength and love from in them.Whose lives, out look, behaviour have all been changed by their arrival, their needs, the exercising of sacrificial love.

So I'm finding myself less, and less up set by 1 Timothy,I'm thinking reading in between the lines he's having a bit of a hard time in his new ministry. I'm thinking Paul's trying to give him some short cuts. I'm thinking church needs to be a place where the sexes are different - yet the same, where each is catered for and nurtured, I'm thinking of my own experience.

Would I want church to be different? Where I love to go to be with the people I love and feel safe, where my children feel safe, where we belong?

I'm thinking all this then I start reading Pilgrim's Progress,  right there in the author's apology (because people used to apologise for writing and having their writing published?) is this ...

"Truth, although in swaddling clouts, I find informs the judgement, rectifies the mind; pleases the understanding, makes the will submit;
the memory too it doth fill with what doth our imagination please; likewise it tends our troubles to appease.
Sound words, I know, Timothy is to use, and old wives' fables he is to refuse; but yet grave Paul him nowhere doth forbid the use of parables: in which lay hid that gold, those pearls, and precious stones that were worth digging for, and that with the greatest care."

Now on the one hand he is excusing his allegory and confirming its biblical route, on the other hand he is illuminating the above passage from 1 Timothy because I don't know about you but I've never been big on old wives tales and superstition.He is speaking of women or rather truth as a woman, allegory as a woman. There is so much love and kindness in Christianity to women, if that's been misconstrued, dragged backwards...disregarded...lost...that is not just the fault of men.

In my church on Sunday I loved being with my girls; age range probably baby- 80+, I love nothing better.I love them,they love me. But I also had at least three awesome and informative conversations with my brothers...really helpful...not in the slightest patronising or oppressive or weird or anything other than super helpful and encouraging and lovely. I also love that. I do.

Alfie will be six!

Tomorrow at 12.30 (after midnight- so the day after tomorrow  really), Alfie will be six.
So you can imagine that since about just after Christmas, we've been on countdown. "How long is it to my birthday?" " You keep saying it's four weeks, four weeks, four weeks..." etc
Tonight he swam half a length, front crawl, he'll get a badge and a certificate. He'll take it into school, and stand up in assembly and have a clap for his achievement.
I watched him before he jumped in for his swim and pointing to where he was going to jump, he was talking to himself, he was talking himself through it.
And I was chuffed, my little/big kid talking to himself- and I was so proud, never mind the spelling, the reading, the times tables- he knows how to talk to himself!!!!!
I watched him swim- but I knew he wouldn't give up- he'll never give up- he'll never surrender.
It's just something we have in common, I guess.
I cannot express how amazingly proud I am of this little boy- I cannot express how thankful I am to my family and all our friends and especially Mount Pleasant Baptist Church, for helping me bring him up for this six years...and whatever is to come... because I definitely couldn't do it on my own.x

the awesomeness of God

In 1 chronicles chapter 13 God kills Uzzah.

I never really understood this before because it's not very nice to think about God's anger, especially if it might be directed towards me! - You know, God striking you down, thunder bolts from heaven etc.
This time I read it differently. Mainly because I had just had a conversation with my friend and she told me, 'sometimes you have to make brutal choices for God.' 
No one likes this type of talk. 
Only I know, for me, right then and there, she was dead right.

It struck me this time reading about Uzzah, God does the same- he makes brutal choices too- because being God he would not ask something of me that he wasn't prepared to do himself.

This is a demonstration of the awesomeness of God. 

It might make me angry, it might make me afraid but still, it literally is awesome.
And it struck me that I want the awesomeness of God: the minute I fall to my knees and beg for mercy, I want the awesomeness of God when my heart is broken or I'm in trouble or if there is something in my life I can't deal with. If I want God to deal with me; I have got to accept all aspects of him. 
How else could he deal with my life? How else could he change my mind, my heart, my wilfulness, unless he had killing power? 
I'm going to want the awesomeness of God when I'm dying. 

The fact is we have difficulty accepting the many facets of the personality of God! 

1 Chronicles is pretty unrelenting, David has what you call, 'taken his eyes off Jesus,' how that translates is David has stopped praying and started thinking he knows what God wants and it's the same as he wants.
It is a terrifying fact that as a Christian when I stop praying I become more deaf and more blind than I ever was before. 
So when God kills Uzzah, David has a wake up call, he feels anger and fear and then he stops...and he prays.

1 Chronicles 13:9 When they came to the threshing floor of Kidon, Uzzah reached out his hand to steady the ark, because the oxen stumbled. 10 The Lord’s anger burned against Uzzah, and he struck him down because he had put his hand on the ark. So he died there before God.

Hiraeth

'It's rained for eleven weeks.'
We're recounting stories of our favourite bushes to shelter under. Bemoaning umbrellas-and grave yards. We're walled in.
A gulf of black has captured the sky above Town Hill, and won't give it back.
Like sheep we've started to limp.
The windows are steaming.
'It's dark-and it's dark walking home.'
We're all trying to make you laugh, but no-one laughs so much as you, when you quote poetry in a bath- locks a- flowing or explain to us why your favourite word is trousers.
And now all our learnings are tinged with laughing at the rain while we walk in the darkness homeward.
It makes me wish I knew then what I know now...but your generous spirit allows seedlings to grow.

Some Alfie-isms

Alfie  (tues tea Mount) - You can sit somewhere else.      

Alfie  (watching TV)- Leave the room.

Me- How did you get on in your spelling test?
Alfie- Yes, brilliant I got them all right.
Me- Wow! You're amazing!! Well done.
(actual test score 0/5)


Alfie (after eczema cream application)- It's okay! I can straighten my legs now...I just have to walk...very... very s l o w l y.

Alfie (on Elis) Well, he can be very, naughty... but you just Never See It!

Alfie- You're off my Christmas list.

Alfie- Tell me a story.
Me- Once upon a time...
Alfie- No, no, no- not one of those!


Me- (playing Nebuchadnezzar) So what can your God do?
Alfie (playing Daniel) Well he taughted me a lot, like if you do stealing you get leprosy. let's see....yep you got it!
Me- Oh no! What can I do?
Alfie- You got to give all the stuff back.